I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
