1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love having hate sex.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
