Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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