bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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