Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
