the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
