you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize