I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
