You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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