matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
