I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My life is pants optional.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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