So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
