In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
