New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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