you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
