Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
