I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
