there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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