dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
