I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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