You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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