This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
