the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This baby is an asshole
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
