I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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