dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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