how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
