please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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