fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize