Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
