I think my fart just growled at me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
