I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
