I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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