I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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