I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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