I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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