atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sex in a hospital.. check
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
