he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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