Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
