next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
