I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
