she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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