you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
