This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize