amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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