take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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