i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
