you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
