i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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