There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
