The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
