I smell stomach acid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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