Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
