This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
