the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
