Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize