sarcasm needs its own font
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
