I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
