I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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