When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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