I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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